butterflykiki: (Jane Austen quote)
[personal profile] butterflykiki
Or maybe I mean bitchiness? Either/or.

Thing that my family, friends, doctor, la la la media universe EVERYONE EVER have always said is: you will feel better if you exercise.

me: When?

Everyone: Right away! Go exercise! Come back and tell us how good you feel!

me: *after exercise which has left me hot, sweaty, on the verge of an asthma attack, and still 100 miles from a runner's/athlete's high* I HATE THIS SO MUCH. SHUT UP.

Everyone: *sadface* You're not doing it right.

me: I'm not doing it at all. It's boring and icky and it hurts and it doesn't work, you lie. Go away.

*wash, rinse, repeat through most of my life through high school etc.* The only exercise I got in college was swimming, and biking everywhere because I didn't have a car.

...anyway. As part of dealing with the diabetes, I've had to exercise regularly over the last year. Walking, mostly, but also going to the gym. I still don't love it, but I've gotten to the point where I don't hate it. Partly because I now take a hit of albuterol before I start (something I could not do before I was diagnosed in my mid-twenties); partly because I have books on my MP3 player that keeps me from being ragingly bored. It's gotten a bit easier, a bit more a feeling of accomplishment; but still. I wouldn't call it fun.

I haven't been doing as much this week-- bad weather plus too much to catch up on plus bad planning-- and I've noticed my anxiety has kind of... ramped up again. Since I started taking Zoloft in October, it seems to have not gone away, but just leveled out, a bit. The panic-moments aren't so frequent or so intense, or so blitheringly inexplicable. I don't just randomly stand somewhere going, "what the hell do I do first? IT IS TOO HARD. LIFE. WHY? LIFE. OH, HEY, LET'S STARE AT THE WALL UNTIL WE CAN MAKE A DECISION. Like an hour." Which, yay for Zoloft. And maybe, maybe the exercise has something to do with that too. Just bleeding off excess body-and-brain energy that will apparently cycle like an overheated hard-drive if I don't work it off. I didn't notice at the time, but now, with its absence, I'm wondering if the recent bits of high-tension are due to that lack.

Why don't people try to explain exercise *this* way? Why the frak do they try to sell exercise as a happy-happy-joy-joy-high? I've spent too much of my life inside my head to even notice what's happening to my body half the time; I am not a physical achiever. Exercise is work. It is physically uncomfortable. I don't value it enough for its own sake to get some magnificent feeling of accomplishment for it, and considering I'm not winning marathons and probably never will, the entire health/phys.ed/whatever industry is still so completely not targeted at me. I would still, if it wouldn't kill me, probably eat way more than is acceptable and not exercise at all. The entire health industry is, it seems to me, geared to people who are either way more vain, way more in touch with their bodies, way more sensitive to runner's high, or way more... I dunno, *something* than I am. Why are they marketing it like this?

Instead of just, "Hey. It's like getting an oil change for your car. It costs you something. It's not that exciting. But, it extends your warranty. And possibly makes your mental and physical engine run smoother. You won't notice it right away, because you are not calibrated to notice every knock and ping that those Ferrari-built Olympians are. But your boring Nissan Sentra of a body will not crash, burn, overheat, or lose its navigation so much if you do this. So don't feel bad that you don't go vrooooom! You're normal for you. Get a chai tea as a reward afterward."

See? Like that.

Yeah, that was definitely bitchiness, but I feel better.
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